Teenage Mutant Kung-Fu Chicken Virus

Today's issue of Daily News at meatingplace noted an AP story that left me wanting to weep, or laugh, or laugh 'til I weep. Apparently the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. has decided to remove all chickens and ducks from the children's petting zoo as a precaution against bird flu.

Ummm . . .

First, let's set the record straight: the current circulating strain of highly pathogenic avian influenza subtype H5N1 (commonly referred to as simply H5N1, or 'bird flu') has not been detected in the Western Hemisphere. Ever. We have seen other HPAI subtypes. We have seen LPAI in a variety of forms. We DO NOT HAVE the scary, scary bird flu that is using Asia as a private playground.

Now that we've established the fact that the petting zoo of the National Zoo (in fact, all American petting zoos) are presumably free of H5N1, why are the birds going into quarantine? Little-known disease transmission fact: children are incapable of being infected by a virus from a source that is free of said virus. Really. Promise. Some may argue that this is a defensive, protective measure on behalf of the Zoo, an ounce of prevention and all that. Really, if the pet birds at the National Zoo, in the center of the Eastern Seaboard, become infected with H5N1 without our surveillence network noticing it elsewhere first, we have bigger problems. If the virus is picked up in the near vicinity, say, the continent, there should be plenty of time to pull the birds and test them.

No, this is not a medical decision. This is not risk management. The decision to remove those birds was the direct result of fear-mongering on behalf of the ignorant media, as is the stockpiling of anti-virals and vaccines. The media has decided to portray H5N1 as varelse, as something to guard against, as a war that we did not choose to fight. It is not. Avian influenza, in its many forms, is a disease. It is controlled by good hygeine, vaccination, judicious use of medication. It is not controlled by panic or dramatic gestures, such as the act of the National Zoo described above.

The irony in this move lies in the inherent dangers of petting zoo disease transmission. Here's a fun exercise: Google "petting zoo" and Salmonella. Now try it with E. coli. Scared yet? As a public health nightmare, petting zoos rank right up there with cruise ships. I certainly hope the National Zoo regularly runs fecal swabs from its petting zoo for the more common bugs. Unlike H5N1, you see, a lot of the dangerous fecal pathogens don't bother the animals carrying them.

What do I suggest? Thank you for asking, National Zoo. Handwashing stations: make them fun, easy, and everywhere, demand that children use them at the exit and suggest them whenever they get their hands visibly dirty. Monitoring: remove sick animals (not to sound juvenile, but duh!), regularly test healthy ones for any and all zoonotics. And run a risk analysis before doing something like this -- the quick and dirty ones aren't all that hard, really. Weigh the risk (minimal) with the implied risk (panic-inducing, to some parents).

Protect us from the diseases we have, prepare us for the ones we don't, and give us the wisdom to know the difference.