I am a cold person

I just read a fantastic book, suggested by Christian Vet Missions for any short-term team leaders (which I am, at the moment). Foreign to Familiar is a very generalized guide to two types of cultures: hot and cold. New York, by the way, is cold (and yes, most of the time the heat is related to the climate as well as the culture; Kansas is rather luke-warm).

In reading, I realized why I was so often miserable when I worked in Senegal. It's a good country with nice people and an oppressively hot climate. It is also a very hot culture. This means that people consider relationships to be paramount. It means that their communication is very indirect, in order to avoid upsetting anyone. It means that they define themselves in groups more than as individuals. It means that their concept of event timing is looser.

As the title says, I'm a cold person. I come from a cold culture. I focus on results. I say what I mean and little else (if I know what I mean; otherwise I blabber). I consider myself to be an individual and act accordingly. I schedule.

In Senegal, I waited for people to invite me. That means I only visited with American missionaries. I never realized that the Senegalese were waiting for me to come visit. I could have sat down and chatted with any group I saw and been welcomed, but they would never actually tell me so. If I had been more proactive about meeting people, I would not have been so lonely. Instead, I was almost paralyzed by the treatment I got from some of the men, who very politely asked me if I would like to be their mistress. Since that came from almost every man I talked to, I assumed most of the men were like that. If only I had known -- those were the exceptions! The non-predatory men were assuming I would come talk to them if I wanted a conversation.

I did experience the indirect communication problem first-hand. The guest house where I lived was run by a man who only spoke Wolof. The cook, however, spoke French. The maid, when I spoke to her in French, smiled and responded to my greetings. She didn't talk much, but I assumed she was shy. She always smiled and nodded. Until the day I asked her a question that was not yes or no, when she smiled and nodded while I waited for an answer. She saw that she hadn't answered my question, so she led me over to the kitchen. The cook informed me that she didn't speak French, but he would translate for me. For 1 month I had chatted pleasantly at her and she hadn't understood most of it, but she wouldn't make me feel bad by letting me know! Imagine a New Yorker not telling someone if they didn't understand -- wouldn't happen.

The cultural differences also explain why I was joined at my table by a man I didn't know when eating at a restaurant once. I thought he was being pushy. He thought he was keeping both of us from being alone. As an introvert, I rarely have a problem with being alone. When I work in hot cultures, I'll need to be willing to give that up.

The biggest idea I need to remember and work on is the task-oriented mentality I bring to any project. I am an administrator at heart. I work in a detail- and results-focused industry. While I consider myself a big-picture person, the big picture I see is one that focuses on productivity and usefulness. This is all the result of being in a cold culture both personally and professionally. In hot cultures, though, the keystone of every interaction is the relationship. Especially going on a mission trip, but even just working, in those cultures I must spend more time on the people. I have known this cultural difference for a long time, after a Texan accused me of being rude because I cared more about not making people wait than taking more time with others. What I have to remember is that, when working in other cultures, I need to abide by the prevailing cultural values. I can't demand that my culture be accepted for me, because that is the kind of individualistic thinking that is also cultural. I need to let go.

Even in Kansas, I should remember this. As I said above, Kansas is luke-warm. In many ways, especially with people my age and younger, I can fit right in. With older people, though, and especially at church, I have to adapt to a warmer culture. People move a little slower, take a little more time with friendliness than I'm used to. In Kansas, though, the big cultural shock I have is the difference between high-context cultures (like the Northeast US) and low-context cultures (like the West and Mid-West, to varying degrees). Where I come from, there are protocols for communication. People dress up to show respect, for work or church. Basically, there are rules for human interactions. We're not as strict as Northern European cultures, but we follow a guidebook we've been studying since birth. In Kansas, there seem to be fewer rules about societal interactions. People are more casual, less formally respectful. They're not as easy-going as Californians, but they appear to be happy to let the rules be more lax. My cold, formal cultural background makes me a bit more likely to take offense. I need to learn to accept that difference.

The decisions I've come to are easier to say than to do, as they usually are. At least I have words for what's going on now.